All my life I have been alone. There is no one else who is like me. No one who shares similar thoughts and experiences. No one who can understand and accept me for who I am. I am only young. But age does not mean anything. I am a living being and that’s all that counts.
When I started school at the age of 4, i realised that i thought more than the others. That I was harder to lie too and less impressionable. I knew deep inside that i wasn’t “normal”. I never made many friends. Mostly because I didn’t talk much. I could tell a lot about these people without knowing them. and I didn’t like them. So I pretended to be like them, and it worked. Soon enough, I was fitting in and had made “friends” . People that I didn’t like and didn’t trust.
At home, I was under the impression that my life was fine. I had never seen another example of what a home was like, so I didn’t know any better.
Years went by, and as my life progressed, I realised more and more about how different I was. By the age of nine, I was already showing signs of depression. I had an extremely messed up family, well, I still do. My mother is a disgusting person. She is racist, overweight, has a poor sense of hygiene, swears and thinks that she is perfect. My father is an alcoholic, racist, has an even worse sense of hygiene-he only showers once a week- and has temper problems. Then there’s my brother. A perfect example of failed parenting. He is exactly like them, but younger. He is currently 25 and still lives with us. In this tiny, fibro, rotting(literally, rotting), messy, cockroach infested house. All of them smoke marijuana, are alcoholic and smoke. They are constantly fighting with each other. When I try explaining this to any of them, I am a cop out. They treat me as if i’m worthless. A mere possession. Blamed for everything.
Now at school, I have found actual friends, not just people that I pretend to like. I have changed my personality a lot at school. I am loud and hyper. This is how I am with my friends. But I’m not sure anymore. Not sure if it’s a fake act or if it’s another part of me. It just seems to come naturally. I’m not sure who I am anymore. It’s a very hard subject to explain, and certainly one I’m not willing to be open about. But this has caused me so much pain. I started acting like this to attract attention. Something that I had never experienced. But of course, many people hated me. I could see it in their eyes. I could somehow feel it. And that just made matters worse. I have tried to ignore all the pain that people have caused me. But inside I knew that it was ripping me into pieces. I have also had many psychic experiences. Sometimes I just get a vision of an event that has not yet occurred.They are almost always right. I have tried to tell my friends, but they just think that I’m crazy, so I doubt that they would listen to me at all.
I hold so much pain within me. But there is no one like me. No one who shares a similar story to me. I hope that one day, I will find the person who is like me. I’m sick of this. I have been bottling up my emotions for so long. I need to be able to express myself in some way. It hurts so much to be alone. Truly alone. I need someone. Someone who can understand me. Someone who can accept me for who I am. I am only 11 years old, but age means nothing. I am a human being that is capable of feeling pain.
This post was submitted by Ukii.
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