Why can’t I get over the fact that I don’t know why I even exist. I found out from my mother talking to someone else, when she didn’t think I was listening, that I was an accident. My father’s vasectomy didn’t take. It wasn’t just a few extra sperm, he had it at least a year before I was conceived.
Growing up poor, I now know that the sacrifices that I made, due to the family not having “the money”, was because I felt somehow responsible for the money situation. I thought that I was the reason that things were difficult. If I wasn’t around, they wouldn’t had to spend extra money for my food, extra utilities that I used, school supplies, etc.
At least when I die, my assets will be divided up amongst my siblings as some type of act of repayment. I just hope that it’s sooner than later. I’m at a really low point in my life (again-it never seems to get better), and am wondering when things might start to look up.
Now that you know about the “accident”, now to tell you about the “smothering” from my mother.
I grew up in a very religious household, with a very restrictive, over-protective mother, and a father who couldn’t (or wouldn’t) stand up against her. The very first date I went on was with another “Christian” girl, who happened to go to a different church. We went to see a movie (I can’t remember which one), then decided to go to a restaurant for ice cream afterwards. When I got back, my mother, for lack of a better term, interrogated me about what the movie was about, how many cuss words were in it, how long the movie was, if it was only that long what did we do after that. I just wanted to scream, “WE DIDN’T HAVE SEX!!!!” From that point on, I figured that it was just easier not to date than to go through that again.
Now to the subject of friends. Well, I have none. At least no “true” friends to speak of. I have aquaintances from work, but for some reason, I can’t let anyone “in”. This comes from my lovely mother as well. It seems that whoever I brought home wasn’t good enough to be a friend of her son. So again, it was easier not to bring them by.
As I said, I grew up in a very religious household. I went to church sunday morning, sunday night, and wednesday night for “youth group”. After my sister (2 years older) left for college, during the most influential times in a teenager’s life, my parents would drag me out for “fellowship” with THEIR friends after church on sunday night. If I said that I didn’t want to go, she would say something like, “Oh, it will be fun”. Since I wasn’t old enough to drive, and the church was too far to walk home, I didn’t have much choice.
Most of my family is on “facebook”, and when they tell me that I should join, I just tell them no. Then they say that it’s a great way to get back in touch with old friends, I guess they’d be right if I had any from school. I was the “loner” in high school. We lived within walking distance, so there was nobody to ride the bus with.
Oh well, maybe one day I’ll be able to figure all this crap out.
PARENTS: If you are reading this, don’t EVER let your children know that they are accidents. EVER!!!
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Whether your mother meant for you to hear that or not, She should have never spoken about you being an accident in the first place, no matter where she was and who she’s speaking to. It is just something you should never say about a human being. they always say if you dont have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.
But one thing you have to remind yourself is that you arent responsible for the bills and money problems that they had. You were just a kid, what the hell were you suppose to do about their problems? And you certainly arent responsible for your own birth. If that were the case, people would not need to get together to concieve human beings anymore. ANYTIME people have sex they are risking a pregnancy, all these vesactemy, patch and birth control crap only REDUCES the chances of pregnancy, NOT prevention. so the fault is entirely on your parents, not you.
And yes, lets be real, if it werent for your existence, they PROBABLY would have been better off on bills. Thats bascially COMMON SENSE. the less mouths that are in a household, the more money is saved. thats just how it is. but ya know, people arent always smart with their money. Most of the time WANTS overcome NEEDS, so they could have been worse off even if you werent there. But you were born anyway and they stepped up and took responsibility. So love them for that. Most parents nowadays are VERY VERY VERY quick to go to abortion clinics and give up to adoption homes or WORSE, be left in the trash can, garbage dumpsters or someone’s door. But your parents didnt do that. Sure they werent ready to have you, but who really is? Nobody is ready to be a parent.
I think one of the silliest and most disappointing things a parent can do is FORCE their child to go to church. God wants us all to believe in him by free will and based on our own experiences with him, not becuase we were forced or pushed. Some parents just go too far when it comes to religion and dont really relize it, thinking they are doing their child a favor but really arent.
YOu need to train yourself to break out of this shell that your mother has created for you for years. Just becuase your mother made you believe that no one is worthy of ever being your friend or more, doesnt mean it is true. Your mother apparently has some self-issues and has been pouring them all on you. She interrogated you on your first date instead of TRUSTING you and she really didnt let you live your life and let you make friends on your own. There are billions of people on this earth for you to meet but it is also your choice to LET people get to know you. The more you push people away, the more it is useless to even complain that you don’t have friends. Start taking charge of your life.
If youre an adult now, then your mother really is no longer an excuse, you need to start taking charge of your life.
If your famliy has facebook, that should also mean that they have email. I would really sit down, get relaxed and write your parents a letter explaining all the things that have really bothered you over the years. maybe they can give you some really encouraging words or put give you peace of mind. I really think they should know about all the pain they have caused you. I would start off with something like
“Mom, dad, I have been going through some major depression for quite sometime and my shaky and imperfect childhood is catching up with me. I have to get this off my chest becuase maybe i’ll get some closure, but i’ve been the only one thats been carrying this burden and i feel like it is killing me. I just want to give up on life. First of all, i want to start that i unfortunately found out by overhearing that i was an accident…..” then go on and explain to her about how she always forced you to go to church, tell her how you felt about that. and then move on and explain to her how it really upset you that she kept hounding you about your date and your friends. I think people who hurt others SHOULD be addressed so that they can learn from this and prevent hurting others.
Haha I hate religous parents… speak up to her, okay? And lol I’m only 11 but I swear I’m not an accident.. I fucking helped save a species of animal from extinction! Of course I’m an accident according to people, but I do pretty good things for the world~ <33