I am forty.. and for the life of me, can’t remember an easy period of my life.
I grew up moving every year to a different state. My parents were alcoholics, and since I was the oldest girl.. I was also the maid, babysitter, cook etc. I wasn’t allowed to have friends at all. So, I turned to religion. There I found Jesus and he became my best friend. Then at the age of 18 I went out on a date and was date raped by my future husband. I ended up marrying him because I became pregnant. And because of my “religious beliefs” which I now know was nonsense. We had 3 children together. He was very abusive and an addict. I left after my oldest, whom was 5 at the time wanted us to leave. My children and I were moved into several different safe houses because he kept following us. I have worked 2 to 3 jobs for many years supporting my small family. We have been homeless a couple of times.. Ofcourse, there was no child support and the children understood when Santa didn’t come. Or when they didn’t get what they asked Santa for. I have had to cook food without electricity or gas. We had no heat for a couple of seasons..and food was really hard to come by. Although there was food stamps at times..there was no way to get to the grocery store.
After 2 years, he died of a drug overdose. I’ve raised my children by myself. I’ve seen the look of pain through the eyes of little people that I have loved so much more than myself, that I had prostituted myself to a man just to pay the rent.
I am so very tired. Now, my children are getting older. My oldest is a firefighter.. my younger two are still in school but cause no problems for me. HOwever, It would be so very nice.. so very nice indeed.. to not have to worry about how the bills will be getting paid next month. It would be so very nice..not to have ever saw the look of disapointment from my children when I could not purchanse them new shoes for school, or a new backpack.
I do not drink, do not do drugs, do not have any friends (takes time), and do not date. All of my time is spent just trying to raise my children. And.. I am so very tired.
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I am a 42 year old mom of a 21 and 19 year old. similar life of hardships, although some different types of hardships. (raped twice in my life, physical, sexual, emotional abuse, many hardships with money, although not as heartbreaking as yours, etc) I feel your exhaustion…and i know that sometimes, no amount of people telling you to hang in there, that you are doing a great job raising kids on your own, and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, makes you feel like your load is any less. just know that your post gave me strength, knowing that there is someone out there similar to me, with a lifetime worth of hard times. thank you for your post, and i will keep you in my thoughts.
Thank You for understanding Monica. It’s somehow comforting to know that others know of the same pain that others have to live with. Its upsetting, but comforting. I hate to see others in pain, but sometimes..we just have to let it out when we dont have anyone to talk to.
Again.. thank you.