My Life Sucks - Big Time … !

Its not that my life sucks so much, I guess you could say that I’m just more annoyed at it than anything. I suppose for some strange reason I’m just not ready to grow up, and yet, I have and I need to get used to it, and I’m working on that.

I’m 23, I just recently graduated from college. Well, that would be all fine and dandy and the fireworks would cheer. Problem is, I did it in the middle of an economic crisis. Have I found a job yet? Of course not, nobody is going to hire anybody who doesn’t have experience, are you crazy? But its every bodies *favorite* question. Especially when its asked by my coworkers at the dead end job I’m working at.

But I’m looking, and honestly that’s all I can do in a situation like this.

However, to change the subject a little bit, if there not asking me if I have a job, there asking me when my boyfriend of 4 years is going to propose or get married to me. Would I be horrible if I said I think I’ve secretly come to the conclusion that I want a wedding and not a marriage? Its not that I don’t love him. I just want my special day and care free commitment to a life long decision. I love him, I just don’t feel I need unnecessary pressure in my life. Unfortunately that’s sort of how I view a marriage, unnecessary pressure to a good relationship. However, I still have that childhood fantasy of walking down the aisle and later on cutting into a large cake. Can’t I just have a mock wedding on my birthday and call it a birthday present to myself? I’d still get cake, presents, and everybody would be paying attention to me. The perfect birthday.
Now I would imagine this would be alright and my boyfriend would understand this situation. It doesn’t help that he told me recently he’d like to have kids in the next 5 years. Five years is a while, however, its not long enough. I’m 23, and I’d be 28 by than… I really don’t think I’m looking to do that now. But we definitely want kids, just not. right. now. And I’m beginning to question if that’s really because of me.

At the same time I’m thousands in debt with my student loans right now… In the middle of an economic crisis. Of course I wont have the time to get married or have kids for that matter. I’ll be too busy paying off my debt at the dead end job I’m working at.

I suppose I just need to grow up, take it all in and deal with it. And I keep telling myself day in and day out that things will get better, something will happen and I’ll find my way. After all our parents did it and thousands of other people have been through worse than I have. I’ll make it somehow. At least I have a degree, that’s more than most people can say. At least I have a strong relationship, even if I am afraid of commitment, that’s better than some people.

But still, I wish I could take a wand and make all the noisy people go away and just do what I want to do.