My Life Sucks - Big Time … !

Why can’t I get over the fact that I don’t know why I even exist. I found out from my mother talking to someone else, when she didn’t think I was listening, that I was an accident. My father’s vasectomy didn’t take. It wasn’t just a few extra sperm, he had it at least a year before I was conceived.
Growing up poor, I now know that the sacrifices that I made, due to the family not having “the money”, was because I felt somehow responsible for the money situation. I thought that I was the reason that things were difficult. If I wasn’t around, they wouldn’t had to spend extra money for my food, extra utilities that I used, school supplies, etc.
At least when I die, my assets will be divided up amongst my siblings as some type of act of repayment. I just hope that it’s sooner than later. I’m at a really low point in my life (again-it never seems to get better), and am wondering when things might start to look up.
Now that you know about the “accident”, now to tell you about the “smothering” from my mother.
I grew up in a very religious household, with a very restrictive, over-protective mother, and a father who couldn’t (or wouldn’t) stand up against her. The very first date I went on was with another “Christian” girl, who happened to go to a different church. We went to see a movie (I can’t remember which one), then decided to go to a restaurant for ice cream afterwards. When I got back, my mother, for lack of a better term, interrogated me about what the movie was about, how many cuss words were in it, how long the movie was, if it was only that long what did we do after that. I just wanted to scream, “WE DIDN’T HAVE SEX!!!!” From that point on, I figured that it was just easier not to date than to go through that again.
Now to the subject of friends. Well, I have none. At least no “true” friends to speak of. I have aquaintances from work, but for some reason, I can’t let anyone “in”. This comes from my lovely mother as well. It seems that whoever I brought home wasn’t good enough to be a friend of her son. So again, it was easier not to bring them by.
As I said, I grew up in a very religious household. I went to church sunday morning, sunday night, and wednesday night for “youth group”. After my sister (2 years older) left for college, during the most influential times in a teenager’s life, my parents would drag me out for “fellowship” with THEIR friends after church on sunday night. If I said that I didn’t want to go, she would say something like, “Oh, it will be fun”. Since I wasn’t old enough to drive, and the church was too far to walk home, I didn’t have much choice.
Most of my family is on “facebook”, and when they tell me that I should join, I just tell them no. Then they say that it’s a great way to get back in touch with old friends, I guess they’d be right if I had any from school. I was the “loner” in high school. We lived within walking distance, so there was nobody to ride the bus with.
Oh well, maybe one day I’ll be able to figure all this crap out.
PARENTS: If you are reading this, don’t EVER let your children know that they are accidents. EVER!!!